Dear Sue

The following is the fourth in our ongoing Wednesday series,  http://hometownheroesrun.com/lib/current-topics-in-artificial-intelligence-12-th-conference-of-the-spanish Lawfully Wedded Life. Do you have a story to tell about marriage, marriage equality, or the lack thereof?  http://smragan.com/2012/06/ Submit yours here. We’ll be running the series through the SCOTUS marriage equality decision(s), expected late June 2013.

The bad news is there are stupid people in government.  The good news is there are stupid people in government.

Stupidity works in our favor when the stupid people espouse stupidity from the wrong side of equality.

Now we’ve got Georgia GOP Chairwoman Sue Everhart warning that we can’t extend equal rights to gay couples because straight people will get gay-married just for the benefits.

My side hurts a little from the laughing.

When I was finally able to breathe again, I considered how ridiculous it was to make such a prediction. I considered the fact that Sue Everhart must have been kidding.

It was such an outlandish statement; I decided that this was all a big misunderstanding and that it was our fault for taking her seriously. I felt it necessary to write a letter to Chairwoman Everhart to let her know that some of us more quick-witted people did, actually get the joke.

Dear Sue,

Can I call you Sue?  You don’t like it?  So sue me!  Bet you’ve never heard that one before.  Ha!  I know you appreciate a good joke.  Clearly you make jokes all the time.  We’re the same, you and I.  We kid.  We make jokes a lot.  And when we joke a lot, sometimes we bomb and sometimes people think we’re being serious when we’re just yanking their chains.  That happens to me all the time.  You, too?

When you said that thing about straight people getting married just for the benefits, I just about laughed milk right up through my nose – except that I was not actually drinking milk but you get the picture.

I mean, how could anyone think you were being earnest when you warned that straight people will get gay-married just for the benefits…THAT THEY ALREADY HAVE?!?  You slay me, Sue.

Sure, some people have access to better health care plans through their employers but surely, Sue – and you’ll forgive me for calling you Shirley Sue – you couldn’t possibly be implying that straight people who uphold the institution of marriage would ever defile such a sacred union for unromantic, unholy economic advantages.

Isn’t it true, Sue, that people judge too harshly our citizens who marry people from other lands shortly after meeting them on sites such as RussianBrides.com? Why do we look down on marriages between two young adults who simply want to legitimize the child conceived in the car after prom?  None of these newlyweds made a mockery out of marriage.

We condemned your outrageous theory because we are a humorless nation that cannot see how inconceivable it is for straight people to play gay.  I saw a gay comedian once, perhaps you saw the same one that one time in Provincetown, who told a true story about a bookstore offering a 30% discount during Pride Month for gay people.  All anyone had to do was claim gayness to take advantage of the deal.  Would you believe not one straight person played gay?  It’s not as if they had to PROVE that they were gay!  No one had to hop up on the counter and fiddle with a person sporting the same parts. Can you imagine, Sue?  Can you?  Are you visualizing it, Sue??  You naughty minx!

Who’s to say why a straight person would not tell a little lie and play gay even for a 30% discount?  Probably the same people who can tell me why no one lies during a game of I Never.  We’re an enigmatic people who will lie about many things but not about being gay – not for a 30% discount at the bookstore and not for a Green Card at the risk of a 5-year prison sentence for Marriage Fraud.

Thanks for the laugh, Sue!  I owe you one.  Maybe I can tell you a joke over a drink the next time you’re on this side of the Mason-Dixon line.  Until then, keep shining the light on extreme stupidity.  You’re doing us all a great service.

Yours fondly,

Deborah Goldstein