Oberwinterthur (Kreis 2) I feel like I’m a woefully late guest to the two uteri family conversation, but that topic is at times, so hard for me to wrap my head around that I needed a little extra time to put my thoughts together. They still may not come out in the coherent, easy reading fashion that I’m striving for, and for that I apologize in advance.
To the unknowing outsider, I suppose it could seem like S and I have the perfect two uteri set up. She has one, I have one. For those of you that have been following our journey, you know that we’re trying with my uterus. My uterus which must contend with my PCOS riddled body. My tubes which, while clear, are certainly nowhere near optimum. My cycle, even when on fertility drugs is often long and drawn out. In contrast, S has perfect, 28 day cycles, and always has. There’s no indication that her uterus/tubes are anything less then perfect. Yet we continue to use me as the baby maker.
Why? Well, the answer….isn’t that simple. For one, I really really really want to carry a baby, and have really wanted to for quite some time. For whatever reason, while her desire to parent is strong, the desire to carry a child has never been evident for her. I think there are a couple of factors that weigh in on her decision, the first being that when you’re the kid of an obstetric nurse and lactation specialist, you may see some things from an early age that might just…scar you for life. I know that S was in attendance at some of her mom’s childbirth education classes from an early age. Perhaps that was enough to have her shy away from wanting to actually “do that.” Who knows?
Perhaps its that possibly less than optimum genetic material courses through her body. I’ve never, in the 2 years I’ve blogged, talked about this, but I think the time has come. S’s brother, B, has Williams Syndrome. People with Williams Syndrome are missing some genetic material on the 7th chromosome, and this causes (among other things) distinct facial characteristics (similar to Downs Syndrome, but different,) and numerous mental and physical abnormalities. I think that growing up with B as a brother brought distinct challenges to S and her parents. S has lived through how hard and difficult it can be to care for a challenged family member, and she saw the strain that it put on her parents.
To further complicate things, S has a few other mentally challenged family members that are close to her in lineage. I think that, while these are not necessarily inherited characteristic, S is petrified of her genes being the cause of a less than “perfect” child. If that fate is to befall us, at least it would be random, rather than a pre-disposed type of thing.
Perhaps it’s just that she REALLY does not want to carry. At all. Not with her eggs, my eggs, or donor eggs, she is adamant that her uterus will not be used as a baby growing location.
And I understand this. I really really do. But I’ve had to do a LOT of work to get to that understanding place, and honestly, sometimes I still have moments where I don’t understand. Where I wonder why she won’t do “this” for us. For me. For our family. This is something I’ll likely have to contend with until that beautiful day when we bring home a child of our own. Which, no matter how it happens, there is comfort in knowing that someday, it will happen. Two uteri or not.
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Very good post, J. It reminds me that I was going to post a link to Sophia’s post about her two uteri household that isn’t.
What I wonder is how you would feel, with your very strong desire to carry, if she did change her mind and agree to get pregnant? What if she got pregnant right away? You would be happy, I’m sure, but how would that part of you that so very much wants to carry feel? Eh, this is probably a moot discussion since S is so firm on her position. I guess, to make this all about me, I just want to know that feeling bitter about not being the one pregnant is normal. Or, I guess, if not normal, is still understandable…
Thanks for sharing another perspective on “TTC with more than one uterus but not.”
Hugs to you and S. This process is so hard.
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same situation over at Chez Stork. For Sarah, it’s not even an option – such a thing is completely off the table. If it so happens that I can’t get pregnant, we will have to look at more invasive procedures for me or adoption. I guess going into the relationship, I knew this so it barely registers that she DOES have a fully functioning set of lady-bits. I will admit that there have been a few dark moments when I’ve dared to think of that possibility, but the idea of it is so foreign that it seems more parody than anything else.
Well written, J.
J – we have a similar situation in our house. There may be two uteri here, but one may as well be non-functional. It would also fuck with me royally to watch her be pregnant and all that, it would tear me apart in more ways than one, and I admit it.
My partner was always the “I don’t want to carry” one – partly due to her history of bipolar/depression issues – and I was the “really really want to carry” one.
I’m still the same but she’s changed her mind. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about that. At this point I’m insisting that I go first, even though I’m 3 years younger and there’s no logic in it.