Family / Parenting

Weird Gay Parenting Moments

medium_2121046313When it comes to unusual situations that I have found myself in as a gay parent, there are more than a few. But since this is a blog post and not a book, I was forced to pick just one. If you have one that’s at least as weird, please add it in the comments. 

Shortly after our first child was born, a semi-distant relative came to town to visit. He was a cousin, of course. He was from New Mexico, in his late 40s and gay. Trust me, I wouldn’t mention the gay part unless it mattered to the story. And it does. He was also very short. That part does not matter, but I am very tall, so I notice these things.
We, and by that I mean my lovely wife and I, were sitting on the back porch enjoying a summer evening while I was on maternity leave and she had just finished graduate school. It was a bucolic moment in our urban neighborhood. The sun was setting. The air was warm and the cocktails were cold. I had just finished bouncing our exceptionally chubby baby on my lap for an hour, and then I put her to bed. As luck would have it, she rarely made a fuss when she went to bed, so I quickly returned to the back porch for more conversation and the rest of my adult beverage.
“I would love to have kids some day,” said the cousin.
“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” my wife, Pam, said.
“Are you going to have more kids?” he asked.
“Probably,” she said.
“Well, let me know. I would love to have a child. I will probably have some land in New Mexico that I would love to pass along to a son.”
Imperia Wait. What?  Did he just offer to father our next child? For land?
Unfortunately, my mind went immediately to the logistics of this arrangement, because that’s how horrifying moments work. You picture them. Or at least I do.
After the flashing white lights of terror cleared from my eyes, I looked at my wife, who was adeptly changing the subject.
I, on the other hand, continued to have more inappropriate thoughts: Is this a Hispanic family tradition that I’m not aware of? Or maybe it’s Jewish? Comanche? People do sometimes combine cultural traditions and come up with some interesting results. See Halloween for more information.
It wasn’t too long before we sent the cousin along with a vodka tonic is his belly and directions to the nearby cowboy gay bar. He seemed content. And I couldn’t wait to find out if I had in any way accidentally married into an arrangement where the gay cousin of the gay wife got to father the second child in the family in exchange for land.
“Did he just ask us to have a baby with him?” I said to Pam in the kitchen, while I dumped leftover ice cubes in the sink. I was trying to play it casual.
“Yes,” she said.
“Are you in favor of that in any way?” I asked.
“No. Not even a little bit. It seems awfully presumptuous.”
“Well, I did think the offer of land in New Mexico might seal the deal for you. I don’t think we really need any land there. If you want some, we should just try to save up for it. “
“I don’t want land in New Mexico.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
What’s the weirdest situation you’ve been in as a gay parent?



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