Family / Family-building

Trying to Conceive and Resiliency

large_10826571406My son fell down an outside flight of stairs today. He toppled end over end from the top steps as I screamed his name. Somehow he managed to avoid hitting his head and really any injury at all. I flew down the stairs and scooped him up as he was hysterical from the shear terror of falling backwards down a set of stairs. My adrenaline was pumping, causing me to shake as I searched his body for obvious signs of something life-threatening. Then, as suddenly as he fell, he was over it. He moved on to his Sit N’ Spin and asked for a snack. Kids are just so resilient. Part rubber, but also resilient.

Trying to conceive is a lot like falling backwards down a set of stairs. Some people are able to stop themselves right after they begin falling, conceiving with little effort. I have a straight friend who would feel her egg drop, tell her husband it was time to have sex, resulting in pregnancies. I know a queer woman who got pregnant first try via sperm shipped by her donor’s overnight delivery.

Some people might be able to stop themselves in the middle of the flight of stairs, desperately reaching out for a rail to grab. These are the people that try for four to eight months at home or using IUI and are able to conceive.

Then there are the rest of us, the free-fallers. We tumble for what seems like an eternity, not able to even see the bottom of the stairs. We are the people who run out of vials, have a hostile uterus or none at all, or who have a known donor decide he is over it all. We are the people who turn to IVF and are told our eggs look old or that we simply don’t have any eggs left. We are the people who wallow in the joy of that positive pregnancy test only to have that tiny heart stop beating before it ever really got going. Free falling all in an effort to create the families we envision for ourselves.

We keep going because, even though we can’t see the bottom, we are resilient. We mourn each failed attempt, each miscarriage, each time things don’t go as planned. We hang in there because we know, in our hearts, what is possible. We keep trying because we feel that empty space in our chests that can only be filled when our children place their tiny hand in ours for the first time. We keep trying because we are full of possibility. Sometimes that is all we have to hang on to, but sometimes that is also all we need.


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One Comment

  1. This is so very true. I got pregnant with my first on our second attempt. When trying to conceive our second, we tried for a year and then I had an early miscarriage and we tried a couple more times after that and were on our last attempt before taking a step back to reevaluate and I got pregnant.

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