Culture / Entertainment

Transparent Episode 5 Recap: A Tank Full of Lobsters Waiting to Die

We jump right into this episode with Josh at a club and the music is pumpin’ and thumpin’ and there is a pretty lady out on the dance floor bumpin’ and Josh sees her and thinks, “That’s a lady I’d like to be jumpin’…” and it is becoming clear that this is the only thing Josh ever thinks about.

And next thing, we see is Josh squeezing her lady melons.

boobgrab

Josh has got his hands full.

But because this isn’t The Fosters, we cut to Tammy squeezing Sarah’s melons. Equal opportunity melon balling!

boobgrab2

I think this one is ripe!

We learn that Tammy told Barb about them, but Sarah doesn’t really want to talk about Barb when they are making a fruit salad and she is the bossiest of bottoms when she tells Tammy, “Get the dick! Get the dick get the dick get the dick!” Tammy obeys and gets the dildo which is purple because they are lesbians and all lesbians have purple dildos.

Digression 1: I have had not one but two purple dildos in my life. I’m such a cliché.

Tammy starts dicking around and her phone rings and it’s Barb and she answers because of the “Co-parent Credo” and it’s something about Bianca.

Ali is hanging out with Shelly and we find out that Ed is missing. Shelly cleans out the fridge and Ali thinks they should look for him. Shelly thinks that’s a good idea because the new rabbi is visiting later in the day and she doesn’t want to be “the talk of the temple” for misplacing her husband. Shelly can’t go though because she has a doctor’s appointment.

shelly

She’s just not that into him.

Maura is hanging out with Davina who’s preparing a hormone shot which is, of course, fascinating to Maura.

shot

Hit me with your best shot.

Digression 2: It took longer for me to get pregnant the second time and after several months of trying, I agreed to take the HcG trigger shots and Luisa went through a training to give them to me. One thing I’ll say about having a mathematician girlfriend is that they are precise. She measured out the correct spot and made a circle on my ass with a sharpie. There might have been a protractor involved. Then, she went to give me the shot and forgot about the instructions to do it fast and slooooooooowwwwwwly pushed that needle into my butt. I yelped and then she pulled it out to try again!

Davina says that she used to take Premarin and throws the bottle of pills to Maura who asks, “Should I take one?” and Davina says, “Nothing’s going to happen to you. It’s estrogen, not heroin, girl.” Oh Davina, I love your snarky ways.

Meanwhile, Sarah is trying to understand Tammy’s circles of My Chart and finally gets that Bianca is the daughter of her ex, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Sarah makes some reference to them eventually breaking up and Tammy says that they won’t ever break up and Sarah is happy because “I’m not joining your lesbian underground railroad.” With that line, Sarah becomes my favorite this episode. Bianca arrives and is friendly and adorable and is a big time hugger. She tells Sarah she is beautiful and plays with her hair and Tammy wants all the squares for her Brady Bunch.

bianca

Sarah wonders if Bianca is for real and it very much appears that she is.

Ali asks the guard at the gate for help in finding Ed and he says, “You’re the one who got the geese all aroused!” That’s not such a bad claim to fame.

sesamestreet

Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

The guard gets the keys to his sick ride (which is a golf cart) and they set off to find Ed but he’s not in his usual places (at the vending machines or with the ducks). They pass another guard who says he was spotted at the 7-Eleven.

Back at Tammy and Sarah’s love shack, we find out that Quinn kicked Bianca out and she needs a place to stay. Sarah says, Bianca could be their “summer girl” which makes me a little nervous but “summer girl” just means a nanny for the summer so it’s all good. Bianca then skedaddles out to the pool to hang with her new charges who to that point had been completely unsupervised in the pool. Lesbian parents are the most vigilant parents ever! Josh shows up with Kristin of the large melons and is confused by Bianca’s presence. Also, the following screen cap inexplicably sealed Josh’s fate with me. I have tried to like him. I have had moments of liking him. But really, he is just too smarmy and self-absorbed.

smarmyjosh

I’m Josh and I’m awful.

Maura is doing yoga at the LGBT Center but can’t plank because she’s hopping up on Premarin. After class, the yoga teacher (Shea), Davina and Maura chat about the trans talent show coming up.

Josh and Tammy get into a pissing contest over the house. He wants it kept as is and Kristin is assessing its worth because she works for Sotheby’s. Tammy thinks it needs to be updated and they stare at each other and scuff their hooves in the dirt until Sarah suggests that Tammy show Kristin the kitchen. Josh tells Sarah that Kristin is a real estate agent and “We’re in a relationship.” Oh my god, Josh. Sex isn’t dating! Did he learn nothing from Brittany and Santana on Glee? Both Sarah and Josh get texts from Ali asking for help in looking for Ed.

Josh and Sarah show up at the marina and Ali is the only one who seems concerned about Ed because this is how Josh and Sarah help:

findingnemo

Thank god they weren’t in charge of Finding Nemo.

Josh suggests they all go for Bloody Marys and Sarah is on board with that and Ali is the voice of reason when she says, “You two are sociopaths.” But then they go for Bloody Marys because even Ali can’t resist their tomato-y goodness.

The rabbi arrives at Shelly’s house and wants to read to Ed. Shelly says, “Are those Jewish books?” and they are, which is so weird because rabbis usually bring the Twilight series to read to their congregants. Who can resist the sparkle?

Josh, Sarah, and Ali head to the restaurant at the marina and everything about it depresses Ali, especially the lobster tank, “A tank full of lobsters waiting to die…” She begins to mention all the things that are sad and Josh and Sarah wish they could put her in the lobster tank and then she tells Josh, “Dad is a woman.” Josh laughs because he wants to make sure that I don’t start liking him again and then they all have a second round.

Somewhere in the city, Maura is having martinis with Davina and  Shea. Some guy is making eyes at Shea and then comes to the table and Maura realizes she knows the guy. Gary introduces himself to Shea and then Davina and then Maura says, “Hi, Gary.” Gary is all, “What the fuck, Mort?” and is obviously freaked out and walks away laughing. Then, out of nowhere, a giant lobster appears and chops Gary to bits and everyone rejoices. Obviously, that’s just wishful thinking.

Shelly is still stalling Raquel the Rabbi on the Ed thing when Sarah, Josh, and Ali arrive super drunky pants and say they couldn’t find Ed. Raquel is horrified and suggests that someone should call the police and Ali calls 911 while Shelly tries to make a love connection between the rabbi and Josh. Everybody is saying “fuck” a lot and the rabbi is thinking, “What fresh hell is this?”

rabbi

I did not sign up to manage crazy.

Josh asks if Shelly knows about Maura and Shelly says, “It’s his private kink.” Shelly doesn’t think much about it and then Josh asks what Shelly did when Mort was exploring his “kink” and she was paying Rita to “distract him with her tits.” Shelly starts crying and Sarah comforts her. Ali’s still on the phone. Raquel tries to leave and Josh asks her to help them and then Ed walks in with cotton candy and a cartoon drawing of himself and it’s ridiculous and perfect.

ed

Toon Town meets Crazy Town

Ali is relieved but Shelly does not seem too happy to see him and that’s it for this episode!

Rating: only 3 out of 4 lobsters because everyone behaves badly.

Favorite Line: Ali’s line: “You two are sociopaths,” because it sums them all up pretty well.

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