Family / Kids / Parenting

They’re Coming For Me

IMG_2811Just a few short weeks ago, I confessed that I was worried about staying home with my children this summer and things went awry fairly quickly and I had to lay down the law but everyone said, “You’ll be great! The kids will be great! Summer will be great! Yay summer!” and everyone lied.

My children are trying to kill me or, at the very least, plotting a coup. To the untrained eye, they appear bright and funny and charming as can be but I know better. I’ve now spent the past few weeks with them 24/7 and I can’t really describe the experience. Their minds seem to work faster than mine, their plans are always mysterious, their intentions unclear.

This may be my last missive. I have no way of knowing if I will survive until my next deadline.

I know.

You think I am exaggerating.

I can only submit the following list as evidence.

The Top 10 Kids Quotes of the Summer (So Far):

  1. “Mom, you have Voldemort feet. I mean, you have feet like I imagine Voldemort has – all white and weird looking.”
  2. “He locked me in the garage!”
  3. “Mom! We need a piece of rope for extreme stunts!”
  4. While watching a female duck fight a male duck, “That’s right! Fight back! Women rule! That’s why you should always listen to your mother.”
  5. “Mom, where is the saw?”
  6. “I was born on the brink of human evolution and modern engineering.”
  7. “We need to finish our bow and then make arrows.”
  8. “If we put the Slip-N-Slide up there and let it hang down…”
  9. “Mom, we need a couple of knives.”
  10. “Mom! Look! My hand is covered in ants!”

They are wearing me down slowly, chipping away at my self-esteem, frightening me with their demands to whittle.

Admittedly, there are times when they are good…almost too good. Sometimes, when we are at the pool, one of them will come and sit by me and pat me on the back and quietly smile. Sometimes, when I ask them to do something, they’ll say, “Yes, mother.” One day, my daughter mopped the kitchen floor without asking and made my bed. I am suspicious. I believe this is part of the plan – keep mom guessing.

There are still two more months of summer vacation and I’m already completely gray (including my feet as has already been established). Who will emerge victorious when summer ends? Who will be the last one standing?

I have a feeling it might be the cat.

 

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5 Comments

  1. They are as clever as they are cute. It was nice knowing you.

  2. I hope you can at least stick around for the BIG SURPRISE next Monday!

  3. Clare, what surprise? What surprise? Vikki: they have this thing called day camp …

  4. I feel you sister. Overheard last week: “Mama Shannon! Mama Shannon! I found a dead fly! It’s…..LUNCHTIME!”

  5. (We just got a Venus Flytrap.)

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