Entertainment

How to Talk to Your Kids About the Super Bowl

SuperBowlXLIXLogoThe world is complicated. And perhaps the most challenging thing that we, as parents, have to deal with is how to converse with our children about difficult topics in a way that is simple but not condescending, honest but not scary. The Super Bowl is one of those topics.

For years, people have been asking me, “How do I talk to my kids about the Super Bowl?” Well, I’ve finally decided to put my thoughts down in writing.

My mantra is: a prepared parent is a successful parent.

Below, I’ve compiled a list of questions your children might ask you about the Super Bowl. I’ve offered some information, answers, and suggestions. Remember though, these are just guidelines. Each child is different, so follow your gut.

When in doubt: Simple is better. Godspeed.

What’s the Super Bowl?

The Super Bowl is the most sacred of all religious holidays. Nearly everyone celebrates it, and those who don’t are freaks, shunned by society. These freaks are forced to spend the day watching counterprogramming, like last year’s 60 Minutes rerun on CBS, because who doesn’t love an expired news piece? Also big last year was America’s Funniest Home Videos, for those who prefer amateur head-injury porn to professional head-injury porn.

If your children love animals, this year they can tune in to the Puppy Bowl, the Kitten Bowl, or, and this is just too cute, the Fish Bowl. I’m pretty sure all this programming is produced by PetSmart. Another option is WGN America, which will run a How I Met Your Mother marathon. Let me save you the 10 hours: she gets cancer and dies.

Is there music at the Super Bowl?

Of course! All religious ceremonies have a musical component. This year, Katy Perry is going to perform in the halftime show. She’s an artist with the power to unify the drag community and those with a fetish for women who lactate illegal fireworks.

Also, Adele Dazeem will be making an appearance on the Green Carpet when she singscreams all one and a half octaves (hopefully) of the National Anthem before the first potentially deflated ball is thrown.

(Just an aside: I happen to know at least 11 gay men obsessively taking speed typing lessons right now so they can have the honor of being the first gay on the internet to snark about her performance. I also happen to know another 16 gay men who are also obsessively taking speed typing lessons right now so they can have the honor of being the first gay on the internet to snark about the snarkers. Whoever types the word “hater” first wins!)

How do football players get so big?

They work out real, real hard. And they eat the right foods. But they do not do steroids. Steroids are only abused in baseball, track and field, and cycling.

Why do they make more than teachers?

Because teachers don’t really contribute anything to society. But football players, why football players get us to buy things so we can be just like them! No one really wants to be like a teacher.

But it’s just a game, right? How is this a holiday?

NEVER SAY THAT OUT LOUD! Football players are warriors, gladiators, and Gods. When warriors, gladiators, and Gods gather under bright lights and in front of cameras, normal humans are expected to stop whatever they’re doing and worship.

You mean there’s more than one God?

Yes. There are up to 53 active Gods per game, per team. They are infallible. For it does not matter if they are rapists, spousal abusers, murderers, dog fighters, drunk drivers, possessors of illegal firearms, or what have you, they are infallible Gods because they can either move a ball up and down a field or stop others from doing so.

Do these warriors, gladiators, and Gods have any weaknesses?

Yes. They are utterly helpless in the vicinity of an openly gay man.

Huh. If they’re homophobic, and some social theorists believe homophobia is just repackaged misogyny, how does the Super Bowl feel about women?

The Super Bowl loves women! You can tell by the fact that each and every Super Bowl commercial treats all women as prizes to be won by any man who drives the right car, wears the right clothes, owns the right web domain, or, most importantly, drinks the right beer.

Interesting. Do women have any other worth?

No.

I hope this simplifies things for you! Enjoy the game! Enjoy your children! And if you’re not sure how to talk to them about another topic, feel free to contact me. I’m happy to help.

PHOTO CREDIT: WIKIPEDIA

6 Comments

  1. Jan Kaminsky says:

    Ha!! Perfect! I will keep these important points in mind this weekend whilst we speak of this most serious of occasions!

  2. Deborah Goldstein says:

    YOU are the next Stephen Colbert. This is perfection. I love it. For the record, I am a Super Bowl atheist, and do not believe in its power or merit. There. I’ve outed myself as a HATER. Deal with it. (Insert 3 snaps in a Z formation.)

    • Roger Rosen says:

      You’re not going to watch the commercials for the cute puppies?????!?!?!!!!!? Or the hot women?

      • Deborah Goldstein says:

        They’ll all be online. No need.

        As far as hot women, I don’t recall seeing any women I’d consider to be hot in a Super Bowl ad.

  3. Pingback: How to Talk to Your Kids about the Oscars - VillageQ

Leave a Reply to Jan Kaminsky Cancel

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*