Celebrities / Culture / Entertainment

How to Talk to Your Kids about the Oscars

oscars+2015Last month, I wrote a piece called How to Talk to Your Kids About the Super Bowl.  It went viral, was translated into 327 languages, and is now being taught in Early Childhood Development classes across North America and in a few brothels in some of the more remote regions of Peru. Also, I was asked to go on a speaking tour of Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland. If you happen to be in Ittoqqortoormiit this May, look me up.

As the Oscars approach, I have, of course, received numerous pleas from parents begging me to help them demystify the Oscars for their kids. It felt selfish not to oblige.

Before I begin, let me reiterate my motto: A prepared parent is a successful parent.

I hope you find this helpful.

What are the Oscars?

The Oscars are awards given to movie stars.

Why?

Because movie stars are undervalued in American society. It isn’t enough to be overpaid, overworshipped, and overpampered. It doesn’t matter that they’re beautiful, shuttled, fêted, and fussed over. There must also be prizes.

Who gives out the prizes?

They do.

They give them to themselves?

Yes.

Who usually wins?

The biggest prizes go to any perfect looking creature who gains weight, loses weight, or goes on the latex, fake teeth, and psychically harrowing journey from beautiful to ugly.

Why don’t they just hire ugly people to play those roles?

Because an exquisite creature who deigns to be ugly on screen reveals true artistic bravery and a slavish devotion to craft.  Also, audiences thrill at the fact that an actor or actress will so freely give away the only valuable human trait.

What’s that?

Beauty.

Not kindness?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

Why don’t the women’s faces move?

Because a paralyzed face is a youthful face, and actresses are expected to remain forever young, which they aim to achieve by any means necessary, other than death.

What happens if they age?

They get thrown out of Hollywood and gawked at in magazines.

Why?

Because an old woman can’t be beautiful. And beauty, if you recall, is the only valuable human trait.

Other than beauty and youth, does a woman have any other worth?

No.

Why do some people call the Oscars the gay man’s Super Bowl?

No one calls them that, honey. That’s the Tony Awards.

Why are there so many out gay men on the Tonys but nearly none at the Oscars?

Because theatre audiences are smarter than movie audiences. They know the entire thing is just pretend. Movie audiences would never buy a gay man kissing a woman.

But audiences believe fake things all the time. Did anyone really believe that Kevin Spacey Fed Ex’d Gwyneth Paltrow’s head to Brad Pitt to a spot in the middle of the desert?

That’s easier to believe than Kevin Spacey kissing a woman.

Why? Wait…Kevin Spacey is straight, right?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

But if gay men can’t come out of the closet because no one will believe they’re fake in love with a fake female character, why is it believable for straight men to play gay characters?

Because audiences are comforted by the fact that both straight actors are grossed out by what they have to do for their art.

So it’s ok as long as no one likes it?

Correct.

If Kevin Spacey were to come out, it would affect his career as a romantic leading man?

Absolutely! America likes its romantic leading men tall, strong, virile, good-looking, testosterone-spiked, manly, chiseled of body and face, and only aroused by women.

Like Rock Hudson?

Yes.

Why is there such a dearth of black and/or Asian artists nominated this year?

Because Hollywood likes to reward stories that appeal to everyone–stories that are universal.

What does universal mean?

White.

Does anyone ever win for comedy?

No. Well, Marisa Tomei. But that was a mistake. Real acting is crying.

Why is graphic violence accepted but sex is still taboo?

Because violence is a wonderful and natural part of human nature, but sex is dirty and must be kept hidden from children and most adults.

Why do movie stars make more than teachers?

Because teachers don’t really contribute anything to society. But movie stars get us to buy things so we can be just like them! No one really wants to be like a teacher.

 

I hope this simplifies things for you! Enjoy the Oscars! Enjoy your children! And if you’re not sure how to talk to them about another topic, feel free to contact me. I’m happy to help.

4 Comments

  1. Loved it!

  2. Deborah Goldstein says:

    So funny!! I may need a shower after I watch the Oscars, though. So many truths.

  3. Robert Shaffron says:

    How dare you speak so honestly? Where do you think we are, Denmark?

  4. Pingback: Dogs are family too!

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