News & Politics

Sylvia Driskell v EVERY SINGLE HOMOSEXUAL IN THE WORLD

The gay blogosphere has been set ablaze with the news that we are being sued. We, as in all of us. All homosexuals. On the planet. We’re all being sued. By Sylvia Driskell. Of Nebraska. On behalf of Jesus. And his dad…God.

Sylvia-Driskell page 1

Honestly, it seems so petty. I mean, he’s God for God’s sake. Can’t He just smite us or something? Can’t He just…I don’t know…turn us into salt, or a hagfish, or Justin Bieber? Does He really need to go through the court system? That seems so…laborious…when you can create the entire universe with a shart.

But I must admit, I have a ton of questions for Syl. Questions like: What are we being sued for, exactly? I mean, what damages is God seeking? Are we going to have to pay Him every time we fall in love? Every time we get lucky? Are we expected to set up a Lay Pal account? Will the wages of sin be actual wages? Will they be garnished every time our knobs get varnished? We need to know.

And how is this going to work, logistically speaking? Are we all going to have to appear in court? Even those closeted Republicans who hang out in the sauna at my gym? Are they going to have to show? Because they’re not gonna. They’re gonna cheat, just like they cheat on their wives ~ with their heads held high, their towels held low, and their wedding rings visibly invisible. Will it be only self-avowed homosexualists on trial? And what about the bisexuals? Do only 50% of them have to show up or does it depend on their current relationship status?

Is it only the adult gays being sued? Is there an age minimum? What about the kids? I knew I was gay when I was 3. Are we dragging the world’s queer 3 year olds into court for improper future use of genitalia? Is this like Minority Report starring Tom Cruise? Speaking of Tom Cruise, is he gonna be there? What about John Travolta?

Even if we ignore the impossible task of finding a courtroom big enough to fit all the world’s homos, there are so many other details to worry about. We have to consider Grindr, because…BOOM! Will there be cocktails? Can we have a theme (you know how the drag queens love their themes!)? How about a dj? Where are we gonna find a disco ball big enough? Should we just wait for the White Party and do it then? I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get a group of gays to show up in the same place at the same time, but it’s a near impossible task. It’s like herding cats. Seriously, even getting a gaggle to leave a bar at the same time is challenging. This one’s flounced over here. That one’s traipsed over there. This one’s found nirvana in a go-go boy’s grand plié. That one’s reconsidering every song in his audition book. In all seriousness, I think we’re going to need a stage manager. Preferably a lesbian stage manager with no sense of humor. Frankly, that shouldn’t be too hard to find.

What about catering? I feel confident we can get Mati Weiderpass and Ian Reisner to to cater the trial for free. Those two need all the good publicity they can get! And are there going to be Vegan, vegetarian, and gluten-free options…you know…for the stage manager and other assorted lesbians?

Now, what about the seating? Always such a pain. We’re going to have to make a separate table for Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, Ian & Mati, Tom Cruise, and John Travolta, since no one’s going to want to sit with them. We’ll need to throw Ken Mehlman and Larry “Wide Stance” Craig over there, too.

And lighting! We need to talk about lighting! DO NOT FUCK WITH A QUEEN’S LIGHTING!!!

Is it going to be business casual or leather not at all casual? You know what…can we just hop on a call? There’s too much to discuss via the interwebs. Also, I really want Judge Judy to preside over the case. To that end, I’ve created an online petition. (Click here to sign the petition. And don’t forget to share!) I mean, what’s the point of a trial without publicity? I think it was OJ who said that.

Girl, I’m excited. Give me a shout tomorrow and we’ll start making concrete plans. In the meantime, start brainstorming drink themes! Sin and tonic? Can’t wait to see you at the trial!!! MWAH!

P.S. We’re going to need to hire a proofreader before the invitations go out because Sister, a grammarian you ain’t!

 

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2 Comments

  1. I so hope she responds! Can someone put this on her facebook page?

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