Family / Parenting

How to Talk to Your Kids About St. Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick's DayMy How to Talk to Your Kids About… series has taken off like a viral rocketship. Its immense, but not surprising popularity has caused it to leap from the consciousness of mere mortals and onto the radar of God’s only child, Oprah, who has taken a decided interest in my work. Recently, she summonsed to Mount Olymprah where we chatted over organic lemonade made from spiritual lemons grown in her very own country and hand picked by the Dalai Lama. After a 24 hour fast and a prayer circle attended by the Obamas, Bono, Tina Turner, and Jackie Onassis, O and I began hammering out a 5 year, multi-platform deal which includes a line of recyclable baby food and a high-rise in Manhattan made entirely of hemp and positive energy. I’m not at liberty to discuss all the details just yet, but suffice it to say that the deal will be anchored by a bi-weekly series on OWN in which Iyanla and I will bring the Variety Show format into the 21st century by adding the elements of Reality self-help and faux-Buddhist enlightenment. Its working title is Cirque d’Betray and it’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen before, unless you’ve seen circus acts work out their dysfunctional family dynamics and substance abuse issues while standing on one another’s heads in the shape of a pyramid. The symbolism alone will be worth tuning in for.

But I digress.

Today’s topic is How to Talk to Your Kids About St. Patrick’s Day. An epidemic dressed up as a holiday, it is, at best, problematic. On St. Patrick’s Day, otherwise normal, rational, responsible adults and those who are adult-adjacent paint themselves green, treat their bodies like alcohol landfills, and wind up in emergency rooms, in bar brawls, and/or chipping their teeth on a curb as they emit a seemingly endless stream of green vomit into the gutter. And all before noon!

Honestly, as far as the tykes are concerned, this one can be downright tricky, even for an expert such as myself. But after purging my closet of all cotton-poly blends, aligning my chakras, and sharing a few brisk games of Words with Friends with Dr. Phil, I’ve reached the following conclusion regarding How to Talk to Your Kids about St. Patrick’s Day:

Don’t.

Just don’t.

Don’t talk to them about it. Don’t explain it to them. Don’t acknowledge it in any way, shape or form. If they ask you what’s going on with those people staggering about on the news in a psychic limbo somewhere between blind rage, blind panic, blind hysteria, and just plain blindness, tell them it’s a medical experiment gone terribly awry. Tell them it’s the effects of radioactive contamination from the meltdown at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant. Tell them those are just Vegans who have been forced to eat dairy. Tell them whatever you want, but don’t tell them the truth. That would be entirely too upsetting. As an expert, I’m telling you: lie.

And if you do get roped into a conversation with a little one about St. Patrick’s Day, I implore you to have the conversation in person. That will require that you get down off the bar, put your shirt on, stop pretending to know the Irish folk songs you’ve been scream-slurring all night, call Uber, and get home in time to tuck your kids in and vomit in your own toilet.

Remember, a prepared parent is a successful parent.

I hope this simplifies things for you! Enjoy St. Patrick’s Day! Enjoy your children! And if you’re not sure how to talk to them about another topic, feel free to contact me. I’m happy to help.

FEATURE PHOTO CREDIT: REDHOOK

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