Mothers’ and Fathers’ Day Pointers for LGBTQ Parents

http://bridgewayseniorliving.com/clean-hands-prevent-disease/how-to-handwash/ Mother’s Day is coming up in less than a month (May 11th this year). For those of you two-gal-headed families out there it means twice the fun. Or half, depending on how you do the math or the tradition! Dads, your day is a bit further off (June 15th this year), but no less worthy of advance reflection.

As with so many things queer family in these early generations, we’re building the road as we travel. Approaches to “Mothers’ Day” with two moms and “Fathers’ Day” with two dads abound, but most shake down to one among a few basic options outlined at right: you go all in on the one day, or one of you appropriates space on the other day.  Or you both celebrate something else entirely, like International Family Equality Day, coming into its third year this year.

Nine years ago Dana Rudolph over at Mombian hatched Blogging for LGBT Families Day. She located it in early June, following the logic that the beginning of June would be equidistant from Mother’ and Father’s Day. It made sense as a day to pick to celebrate both lesbian mothers and gay dads, but by standing in alternative to these either/or days, it also takes a step toward an omni-gendered parenthood.

My own family has celebrated my partner on Mother’s Day and we’ve commandeered Father’s Day and made it into Baba’s Day, which has worked splendidly for us. But whichever route your family takes, the only super-practical consideration entails informing your child’s caregiver or teacher. Particularly if your child is young, and this year is the first time they’ll be engaging with these holidays through the lens of others.  Here are a few practical pointers:

• Don’t assume busy caregivers remember what you them about how your family “does” these holidays. Put what you said into writing, send it in a note, then follow up. Your kids’ caregivers’ desire to mean well does not immediately translate into knowledge around how to approach holidays like these.
• If your family celebrates you both on Mothers’ or Fathers’ day, be sure to connect with your child’ caregiver or teacher about whatever crafty gift for “Mom” or “Dad” they’re doing. Making two of whatever it is may or may not work out – so brainstorm ways they might be able to do something special for you both.
• Be sure to fold your kids into discussions about how your family “does” these holidays, at whatever level is appropriate for them.

I learned the hard way, when our oldest was in her first year of preschool, that good intentions do not automatically translate. The director and teachers forgot that I’d said we celebrate me on Father’s Day, and instead hustled our daughter through something that seemed evidently a half-baked afterthought, compared to her first project for Mama. What we learned: everyone, even the sympathetic allies like those we found at this preschool, needs a reminder. After our second child went through this preschool, we all had learned a lot about expectations. And I had learned about people’s capacity to change if I help them.

He was given a form to fill out as Father’s Day approached. But his was different: they had taken the questionnaire they’d created for mothers, which the kids would fill in as they were read to –  “What is your mother’s favorite food?” “What do they do after you go to bed?” and so on – and substituted the word “Baba” for every instance of “Mother.”  That, filled in (complete with factual errors) turned out to be the best Baba’s Day gift ever.

Happy Mothers’ Day, by Chris Ware, May 13, 2013. [PHOTO CREDIT: THE NEW YORKER]