Dear Vance ~
Why is it that you and your politician friends can’t seem to figure out how to have an affair? I mean, come on! In front of a camera? Seriously? This is bush-league stuff, man. The rest of the country figured out how to fool around, why not America’s brain trust?
But I’m not here to judge. I don’t want to talk about the hilarity of your “faith, family, & country” campaign. I’m going to stay mum on the subject of you casting yourself as some kind of warrior defending the “Christian way of life.” I’m setting aside my disdain for your commitment to inequality. I’m not going to mention how you brought that Duck Dynasty cretin to the State of the Union address as some kind of pro-bigotry fist pump. I’m not even interested in exploring the not-really-shocking but nonetheless disgusting hypocrisy of your march to Washington on the backs of every LGBT person and family you demonized with the dog whistle “natural marriage” ~ which in your case just means one man, his wife, & whatever other families he destroys.
It’s all been done. Blogged and beaten to death and we don’t need to rehash it here. I don’t want to cast aspersions. I’m here to help.
You are not alone, my friend. Do as I say, not as I do politicians have been lying to get votes since the first election was bought. The problem comes when you get caught doing as you do, which seems to occur with alarming frequency. That’s where I come in.
Along with your freshman Congressional orientation, which covers logistics and such, I propose that you be required to attend a seminar on committing successful adultery. It would seem unnecessary, considering your careers hinge on the ease with which you “reframe” the truth, but y’all have a blind spot when it comes to your personal lives. It’s a curious paradox.
I’m already doing this kind of work with priests and I think that with just a few minor adjustments my presentation can work for you too.
- Don’t email your mistress, even if you never send it. (see David Petraeus)
- Tweeting x-, r-, or even g-rated pix of yourself to your girlfriend is a no-no. (see Anthony Weiner, aka Carlos Danger)
- Sexting is a just bad, embarrassing idea. (Again, see Anthony Weiner, aka Carlos Danger.)
- Don’t try to pick up strangers in an airport bathroom. (See Larry Craig.)
- Making out with your mistress in front of a security camera is not considered a best practice. (Added that one for you, buddy!)
Pricing is negotiable. But whatever the cost, it’s considerably less than what you’re likely to lose when you get caught.
Roger Ian Rosen
FEATURE PHOTO CREDIT: WIKIPEDIA