How Lez Is Your Thanksgiving?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving – a day of gratitude and tradition, a day when we gather with our families and eat to excess. Huzzah!

Like all holidays, Thanksgiving can be a tense time for us queer folk especially if we are mixing and mingling our families of origin with our chosen families.

So, to lighten the mood, I invite you to play a little game called “How Lez Is Your Thanksgiving!”


Here’s how to play: Take note of the guests present, take stock of the food that is served and pay close attention to the conversation and then keep track of your points accordingly.

1. Give yourself 1 point for each ex-girlfriend that is present. (Earn 1 bonus point if your ex has an ex there as well)

2. If the number of women exceeds the number of men, give yourself 1 point.

3. Earn 1 point for every woman wearing a bow tie or vest. (Earn 1 bonus point for every bow tie and vest combo)

4. If a Tofurky takes center stage at your Thanksgiving feast, give yourself 5 points.

5. Earn 1 point if there is at least 1 dish that has quinoa as its primary ingredient.

6. Give yourself 1 point for every dish described as organic.

7. Earn 1 point every time someone mentions the U.S. dependence on fossil fuels.

8. If there is no disagreement regarding the recent election, you earn 5 points.

9. Earn 1 point if the men do the dishes while the women watch football.

Total up the points earned above and then subtract a point for each of the following:

1. Any dish that contains Velveeta or Cheez Whiz

2. Each time someone expresses a desire to secede from the union

 Then consult the key below: 0-5: Heteroville

Where are you? Flash a rainbow signal in the sky or something because we need to swoop in and save you. Otherwise, eat more pie and, if you drink, do more of that too.

Mérida 5-10: Lezzer of two evils?

The only possible explanation for this slightly queer but less than ideal situation is that your other option was worse. Was the only other option your ex’s dog sitter’s house? If so, you chose wisely.

10-15: Lesbionic!

Congratulations! You are having a pretty lesbionic Thanksgiving! That’s not to say there is not room for improvement. Next year, invite a few more exes to boost your score or consider inviting guests to watch you butcher your free range organic enlightened turkey before you pop it into the oven.

15+: Leztastic!

You, my friend, are living the dream. You could not be any more lesbian or lesbian-like. I can picture it now…when dinner is over and everyone has cooperated beautifully to clear the table, when the football games are over and everyone has cheered for both the winners and losers, someone is going to break out a guitar and start singing “Closer to Fine”. Brava. Bra-va!


No Comments

  1. Last year, after the dishes were done, the bio family had retired to a hotel and the kids and partner were in bed, I taught one faery godfather to crochet while the other read to us aloud from the etymological dictionary.

    What kind of score do we get for that???

  2. Our Thanksgiving will be solidly in Heteroville, according to your little quizzie here. However, my sister is a lesbian, and so is her she-insists-she’s-just-a-friend friend. And last weekend, my mom walked in a gay pride parade in my sister’s honor. And, and last year, we all went to Gay Pride day at Six Flags. And, and, and I have an “I’m not gay, but my sister is” shirt!

    Do I get points for those?

    • OMG extra credit! Particularly for the ultra-observant “she-insists-she’s-just-a-friend friend” note. Judge Vikki? What think?

    • Oh you definitely get a point for she-insists-she’s-just-a-friend friend. Definitely. Also, your thanksgiving doesn’t have to be leztastic ’cause you already have the lez cred. You’re golden.

  3. Thank goddess for the coop, or my score might be in danger. As it is, I think we’ll be in the liminal zone between lezzer and lesbionic, though I think we deserve some extra credit for a guest who works for lgbt youth projects for the ACLU (and has been on Dan savage’s podcast). And for working the world “liminal” into a blog comment.

    • Yes, yes. You get some extra points. Maybe I should have asked people to write essays and then I could have graded each one on the lez scale.

      • In fairness, the fossil fuels are most likely to be brought up by the one adult man in attendance, who is obsessed with thorium. But he did spend many years as the token man in a house of lesbians, so that might account for it.

  4. 1 point for more women than men
    1 point for organic dish (only the potatos i think)
    72 point for discussion on our dependence on fossil fuels (because we are also going to hear about imperialism, capitalism, american consumerism and excess
    5 points for no disagreement about the recent elections (the only problems at our house are the socialists)
    do i get a half a point if the men do the dishes and the women go on a walk? no probably not

    total – SEVENTY NINE POINTS! Once again affirming that I am the queerest person in Minneapolis.

  5. If there is an argument at my very straight family Thanksgiving (Heteroville fo sho) about Question Six passing in Maryland, I’ll tweet out the chorus to Closer to Fine as my rainbow sky signal, and you’ll know that I have scored some hard-won points.

  6. Do you lose points for bringing up fossil fuels in order to bump up your score? Is there a prize for the reader with the highest reported score?

    • Ooooo…I should have thought about that! This year, readers will just have to settle for lez cred.

      • Next year you should have a prize not for highest, but for lowest score. After all, you gotta give points for people in the negative scores who are reading the site. 🙂

  7. I plan on eating a lot of pie. Lots of points, right?

  8. Bonus points for upgrading the traditional spinach/sour cream dip to a kale/Greek yogurt dip (organic, of course)? Help me out of Heteroville here!

  9. The worst part about this year’s tofurkey is that it tasted like actual turkey and reminded us of the great sacrifice of animal life.

    I think we should get points for local dishes too. We had organic, local cranberry sauce that I purchased from a small business. It was in a mason jar.

  10. My partner and I were the only lesbians in attendance, but I think we got some serious points for:

    1) homemade gluten roast (ours looked even better than the pictures,

    2) Thanksgiving dinner toast to Obama (the only toast)

    3) More dogs than people (they’re rescues!)

    4) All homegrown organic vegetable

    Good times, my friends!

  11. I agree, local is the new organic. Even so, I only scored 7 points.

  12. Vikki, I don’t know what lezliqueur you drank before you wrote this up but you killed me. I peed I cried I guffawed I slapped my thigh, all in laughter.

    THis one: gold gold gold.

  13. What points do we get if my gay dad is obsessing over the garnish so much that he has to go out into his yard and cut some fruit and leaves off of his kumquat (sp?)tree? And if he gets so upset discussing politics that he has to get up and pace and open another bottle of wine?

    And what if his husband rolls his eyes the entire time, spills red wine all over the pristine and freshly dry-cleaned tablecloth and says, “Larrrrry, you’re being SOOO dramatic.” And then my dad shoots daggers at him through his eyes. And says “WHere are the TUMS? I’ve got heartburn.”

    LOVE this Vikki!

  14. HAHAHAHA lezzzzzzzz-behonest I usually score pretty high when tofurkey and quinoa are involved. 😛

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