Identity / Life

Hot Lesbians as Defined by an Actual Lesbian

Cravinhos Not gonna lie. I was feeling pretty hawt the other day as I was strolling through my local farmer’s market in the center of town–sporting a tan that I have carefully, painstakingly tended since May. I was dressed for the weather in my shorts and tank top to survive the late summer heat wave that transformed our town into a terrarium. To finish off the look, I accessorized with a pair of sunglasses–the first pair of decadent, designer sunglasses I’ve ever owned that did not come from the plastic rotating sunglasses display stand at the pharmacy.

I picked up some hot sour pickles and some peppers and then stopped at a booth to chat with a produce seller I knew from the neighborhood. He introduced me to a friend of his, a man friend with kids at the same school. The three of us bantered, innuendoed and double entendred for a few minutes. I mentioned my wife, and the man friend waited a noticeable beat before speaking, having assumed that I had a husband. It happens often especially to lesbians like me who sit on the more feminine side of the butch-femme continuum.

And then I had to take my leave.

But before I left, the man friend took my hand and leaned in close to say goodbye and said, “You’re the hottest lesbian I know,” ruining a perfectly entertaining exchange at the local farmer’s market.

What? I should have been flattered?

Yeah. No.

You see, when that straight man I’ve just met tells me that I’m the hottest lesbian he knows–A) it’s clear he doesn’t get out much, and B) what he really means is, “You’re a girlie girl who can hang with the boys, and I am totally going to picture you naked licking pussy while I beat one off tonight.”

Pussy licking proficiency aside, there are so many other opportunities to model hot lesbianity. I felt like a pretty hot lesbian when I pushed the minivan out of the mud in the middle of the night while my lady friend sat behind the steering wheel in awe of my power and ability to laugh after losing my flip-flop in the mud. When I joined the board of an LGBT non-profit organization dedicated to support LGBT youth? Pretty hot. What about the time I emceed our friends’ wedding and brought the house down with the punch line —herpes. I mean, you can’t go wrong with herpes.

To say someone is hot is, of course, subjective. When you put hot and lesbian together, you can’t consider physical appearance because to say hot lesbian is to describe a group of people who cannot be defined by physicality alone.

hot lesbians

I considered the hot lesbians I know and what it is about them that makes them hot to me–some butch, some femme, and all of various colors, shapes, and ages (well, not too young cause ick). In no particular order or combination, I’ve found that I’m attracted to lesbians who are clever, confident, powerful, funny, talented, and/or who have killer smiles.

All that being said, when I meet a hot lesbian for the first time, I don’t lean in and tell her she’s the hottest lesbian I know. I say, “It was really nice meeting you. Hope to see you again some time.” Chances are when I have presented my bestest, hottest, lesbian self, we do see each other again.

Listen, Straight Man Who Doesn’t Know Any Better, I know you thought you were flattering me, but I don’t care if I get your motor running. You need to keep that shit to yourself and just say, “Hey, I really enjoyed meeting you.” I don’t need to know how I rank against all the other lesbians you’ve met or the imaginary ones that you’ve feared. And just for the record, after our witty repartee, I thought you were pretty hot. And then you blew it.

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