Family / Life

6 Things I’d Rather Do than Celebrate the Holidays

Grinch

PHOTO CREDIT: NINA HELMER

1. Eat a disappointing meal

Rural Minnesota. Autumn. Pregnant. You order Perkins’ new Chicken Pot Pie. You eat about half of it and then begin hunting and pecking and then the realization hits –  you’ve been served a white-gravy-filled pie crust. There are no carrots, no peas, and none of the promised chicken. Perhaps the chicken escaped and is now roaming the plains. Free range, indeed.

2. Unclog the drain in the bathroom sink

Buying a house is all about constantly finding the terrible things the previous owner did – like discovering a giant wad of cotton that  was living in the bathroom sink drain. But hey, that was over pretty quickly…compared to office Christmas parties.

3. Sit through a terrible opening band

You’re super excited about The Headliner. You’ve never heard of the opener, but they can’t be that bad. Then, your ears cringe at the first notes from the overmic-ed guitar. You can’t understand the vocals and – dear god – the singer is wearing a fedora.

4. Shovel a particularly wet and heavy snowfall

Your whole body hurts and it aggravates your sciatica but you earned your time on the couch. No tryptophan needed.

5. Select a Life Insurance Policy

The good news is that it’s still probably cheaper than that turkey, and the conversation with your insurance agent is more interesting since your organic free range turkey never talks back.

6. Stay home

It’s cold out.  Every year, people forget how to drive in the snow. There are so many things for sale, and your kid is convinced that he needs Every. Single. One. There are people dressed like Santa Claus and extra lines at the grocery store and uncomfortable conversations with rabbis and relatives and neighbors. Oh my.

I think I’ll just hibernate. Wake me up around Memorial Day.

 

*Author’s Note: Mom and Dad, don’t take offense. This is a bit tongue in cheek.

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