6 Things I’d Rather Do than Celebrate the Holidays

PHOTO CREDIT: NINA HELMER

http://queerslo.com/amp/event/jill-knight-at-kelsey-vineyards/ 1. Eat a disappointing meal

Rural Minnesota. Autumn. Pregnant. You order Perkins’ new Chicken Pot Pie. You eat about half of it and then begin hunting and pecking and then the realization hits – you’ve been served a white-gravy-filled pie crust. There are no carrots, no peas, and none of the promised chicken. Perhaps the chicken escaped and is now roaming the plains. Free range, indeed.

Seroquel prices 2. Unclog the drain in the bathroom sink

Buying a house is all about constantly finding horrible things that the previous owner did – like removing cotton wads from bathroom sink drains to unclog them. A few improvements in the bathroom could also be made during holidays, like replacing the old lights, installing a glass shower door (probably with the help of experts at Glass ShowerDirect.com), or adding some fragrances to the restroom.

To hell with it, I might even remodel the entire bathroom. At least a bathroom with optimized storage would invoke wabi sabi and do wonders for my mental health, rather than being depressed from the holiday cheer. It’s a great time to do it too, and if you’re serious about it, then you could see more info about it and get it done while you have the time to be home.

3. Sit through a terrible opening band

You’re super excited about The Headliner. You’ve never heard of the opener, but they can’t be that bad. Then, your ears cringe at the first notes from the overmic-ed guitar. You can’t understand the vocals and – dear god – the singer is wearing a fedora.

4. Shovel a particularly wet and heavy snowfall

Take a shovel (find some good ones and more here) and plummel through! Your whole body hurts and it aggravates your sciatica but you earned your time on the couch. No tryptophan is needed.

5. Select a Life Insurance Policy

The good news is that it’s still probably cheaper than that turkey, and the conversation with your insurance agent (you can read more here to find an agent for yourself too) is more interesting since your organic free-range turkey never talks back.

6. Stay home

It’s cold out. Every year, people forget how to drive in the snow. There are so many things for sale, and your kid is convinced that he needs Every. Single. One. There are people dressed like Santa Claus and extra lines at the grocery store and uncomfortable conversations with rabbis and relatives and neighbors. Oh my.

I think I’ll just hibernate. Wake me up around Memorial Day.

*Author’s Note: Mom and Dad, don’t take offense. This is a bit tongue in cheek.