News & Politics

George Tubman Takei Creates Underground Railroads for LGBT Hoosiers

VillageQ can share exclusive and confidential reports with our readers in Indiana that George Takei has coordinated safe passageway for LGBT Hoosiers seeking refuge in Canada. Takei’s Underground Railroad operates much like the Underground Railroad responsible for escorting slaves to freedom in the late 1700s and 1800s. There is no actual railroad, and the path is strictly above ground, more like a Yellow Brick Road but Dorothy is trying to leave home instead of get back home.

You will find safe spaces along an established route. Certain residences and businesses will provide housing to oppressed brothers and sisters along the way to freedom. If you are not able to secure a map from conductors, otherwise known as closeted Eagle Scouts, you will find guidance in antique shops, florists, and hair salons. Stay clear of Salvation Army thrift stores and Hobby Lobby.

Most of the conductors are members of our queer community currently residing in more egalitarian states and, therefore, in less danger of state-sanctioned discrimination signed into law by douchebag governors. Our queer conductors are not alone, however. Straight Quakers, Humanist Unitarian Universalists, and travel agents have joined the mission to support the queer exodus from Indiana. They will lead you to stations where you can eat, rest, and in some cases get a hand job from the stationmaster. Or perhaps that was a porn clip I saw on Red Tube.

Rumor has it that there is a certain white house station in Washington D.C. that serves farm to table, organic food from sustainable farms as long as you are registered to vote in the Democratic primaries in 2016. This station is out of the way, but we understand that the stationmaster is quite the host, and his wife is always up for a game of Twister.

Takei has recruited Star Trek costume designer Michael Kaplan, who has also worked on Blade Runner and Fight Club, to provide disguises for any refugees who may otherwise feel conspicuous in their gender non-conforming or eccentric attire. Since Governor Pence signed SB 101, Kaplan has worked feverishly to design clothes that would get k.d. Lang and Nathan Lane invitations to a National Organization for Marriage fundraiser.

There are dangers you must consider before setting off for gayer pastures. Beware, my brothers and sisters, of reinforcements coming from Arkansas commanded by Governor Asa Hutchinson to capture any fugitives and place them under house arrest, forcing them to teach Creationism in public schools.

Takei recommends that you travel in small groups so as not to stand out at any point during your escape. Choose your team carefully, considering the necessary skills you will all need to survive. Someone trained in the hospitality industry may ingratiate your group to conductors who choose to take you to an upscale B&B where the sheet thread count is over 400 and breakfast is served with a copy of the New York Times. You also may want to consider a guitar-playing, folk singing lesbian who can entertain you during lonely nights on the road. Of course, if you prefer show tune medleys, be sure to also invite a stage manager who can compensate for a Broadway performer’s lack of survival skills. Whatever you do, do not give up hope. Our Harriet Tubman of the Queers, George Takei, will deliver you to safety.

harriet tubman takei

Ultimately, we hope you will all be able to return to your homeland of Indiana. I’ve been in-Diana before, and it was quite pleasant. But seriously, we wish you safe passage out and a speedy return to a kinder, more egalitarian state where no legislators turn back the hands of time as if it’s April Fools Day!

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