Culture / Media

The Fosters: The Longest Day

This episode is called The Longest Day, and I really felt it. That’s either excellent television making or really painful television making. I’ll let you be the judge.

Lena is home, and baby Frankie is but a distant memory as Jesus bangs on the bathroom door and Jude and Callie get ready to go sailing with the Mighty Quinns. Lena has resumed her motherly chores handing Jesus his gym bag. “I took the liberty of washing your wrestling gear. You can’t let that stuff rot in there.” I can’t help but feel like Lena’s doing laundry to prove her Wonder Woman status. Lie down, Diana Prince! You just delivered a dead baby! Can’t you let someone else launder Jesus’s fermented wrestling clothes? Shees.

Jesus and Emma are battling it out during wrestling practice. Rolling around, climbing on top of each other, gasping for air – that’s more action than Stef and Lena ever got. And yet our young wrestlers tumble platonically until Jesus pins Emma to the ground and wins the match. Must have been the clean wrestling gear.

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

Jesus extends a hand to congratulate Emma on a good match, but Emma is not interested in good sportswomanship. She’s upset that Jesus never apologized for replacing her so quickly, and Jesus defends himself with “Well, you never told me you wanted to get back together.” Jesus just wants everything to be cool, and Emma lets him have it. “We never should have dated in the first place. If Hayley’s what you want, well we both know that she’s everything that I’m not and nothing I’d ever want to be.” Game – Emma.

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

And look who’s stalking Jesus! Hayley has appeared in the side splits on the floor out of nowhere. She’s definitely not anything like Emma. She’s a wackadoodle. All bunnies beware!

PHOTO CREDIT: DVD BEAVER

PHOTO CREDIT: DVD BEAVER

Callie and Jude arrive at the docks for their afternoon on the Quinn’s boat. The boat’s name? QuinnTescence. Surely, a writer or producer owned this boat and created an entire family around its name. I feel so used.

Stef comes home hoping to find her lady spouse fully clothed on top of their bed – because that’s what lesbian foreplay is on ABC Family – but instead finds Lena and Brandon on the sofa waiting for her. Mike soon arrives, and Lena makes everyone promise that no one can leave the house until they all agree on how to handle this as a family – whatever this might be. Are your bets on:

  1. Dani shows up at the house, professes love for Brandon, and Brandon and Dani skip town together.
  2. Wyatt shows up at the house, professes his love for Brandon, and Brandon and Wyatt skip town together.
  3. Rosie O’Donnell shows up at the house, tells all of them to get a fucking clue and skips town with her Juvie Crew.

Sorry. None of the above. Brandon confesses that he and Dani did the nasty, and I do mean nasty in the icky sense of the word.

Mike: What the hell do you mean you had sex?

Stef: Obviously he was seduced!

Brandon: No, I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking. It’s my fault.

Stef: Drunk? You were drunk? Did Dani give you the booze?

Brandon: NO. No, I was upset, and…

Stef: I can’t believe you (Mike) didn’t break up with that woman when you had the chance. You knew. You knew she could not be trusted, but you are so pathetic.

Mike: So this is my fault?

Stef: I can’t believe I let you have custody.

Mike: And Brandon’s so perfect under your roof?

Brandon: STOP IT! I never should have told you.

Lena: What the hell is wrong with you guys? Stef, why are you acting like this is Mike’s fault? Mike, I know you’re upset and confused but can’t you see what this is doing to your son?

Well, that went well. At least it’s all out in the open. I feel better, don’t you?

Hayley is feeling pretty good about her relationship with Jesus. She’s got her arms wrapped around him for all the world (or at least the kids in the gym) to see. Jesus reminds her that he’s going to the coach’s dinner where the coach gives out awards. Hayley wants to know if Emma is going to be there, which of course she is. Hayley looks a bit sad. She doesn’t want her Poopsie Doodle to go and leave his Widdle Cuddle Muffin all awone (my words, not hers – but you thought they were hers for a second didn’t you? Cause she’s cray cray!)

Kaitlyn is crazy about the upcoming competition season and the fact that there’s not enough money for everyone to go to their first competition in L.A. She tells everyone that the pressure is on for everyone to step it up…put their best foot forward..turn it out. Mariana knows that she’s screwed cause girl can’t dance.

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

On slightly less choppy waters, Callie and Jude have boarded the Quinns’ boat. The Mighty Quinn lets Jude take the wheel, which is nothing like letting Jesus take the wheel. And when I say “Jesus” I’m talking Carrie Underwood’s Jesus as opposed to Haley’s Poopsie Doodle Jesus. In this situation, The Mighty Quinn is more like the prophet Jesus with his wise words to Jude.

Jude: Have you ever gotten lost?

Mighty Quinn: Once when I was sailing. I got lost in some really rough water, but between us, it was pretty awesome.

Jude: Sound pretty terrible.

Mighty Quinn: No, it was an adventure. Was I scared? Yeah. But sometimes you have to let go. Give up control. Give up to the stars.

Gak, I just threw up a little in my mouth. I guess it’s better than saying, “Hey Jude. Don’t be afraid.” Or is it?

Back at rehearsals, Mariana is looking pretty afraid that she’s going to get cut from the team. Kaitlyn tells Mariana and the back row that they look like they’re all having a seizure. She asks Tia to show Mariana how to do the floor work. Tia offers to work with Mariana to help her with the moves. Tia tells Mariana that she’s gotta go for it because she’s holding back. Mariana says, “With all the contemporary and hip-hop we’ve been doing lately, it just doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does to you.” Tia is all, “Escyuze me?” but Mariana covers the racism with some crap about Tia being so good that she makes everyone look bad. But then she goes one too far. “You could try to blend in. This is a dance team.” Well, Tia doesn’t take kindly to that kind of advice. “What, like dye my hair?” Good one, T! And Tia’s all “Naww, grrrl. You on yo own,” but she doesn’t actually say any of that.

Stef has calmed down and has a few things to say to Brandon. She is trying to explain to him that he’s been raped, but Brandon is not having it. He refuses to cooperate if Dani is prosecuted. Stef tells him that she has handled a lot of cases where boys don’t think they’ve been raped. “I’m not one of your cases. I was there. I know what I did. Don’t tell me how I feel about it.” It’s tough for me to buy the rape rap, too – not because Brandon is a guy but because David Lambert who plays Brandon is 22 and looks like he’s 30. Also, I just don’t like his character, and I don’t really care what happens to him. Sorry. I just can’t hold back. #WWTD (what would Tia do?)

While at sea, Sophia is trying to win Callie’s favor by bigging up Callie’s life and putting down her own. Sophia doesn’t like her school even though she went on a class trip to Barcelona. Callie says she’d love to go to Spain because it seems so artsy and romantic. Mama Quinn intervenes. “We’re a little young for romance.” And Sophia says there’s no romance at her school because she goes to an all-girls school. Of course, we all know that there probably is romance at an all-girls school, but underage scissoring is not ABC Family material. Sophia continues to dismiss whatever Mama Quinn has to say in favor of Sophia’s school.

Jude invites Callie to check out another part of the boat giving Mama Quinn time to have words with her daughter. “I understand you’re trying to impress Callie, but being rude to your mother is not he way to do it.” This is the point of the show at which I fully understand that I am not the target audience because I completely get where Mama Quinn is coming from. And the fact that I can relate to a character who is two-dimensional, rigid and cold makes me want to send my kid to fetch me a gin and tonic and light my Pall Mall for me.

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

The dance team is taking a break when the subject of Lena comes up. The girls want to know if she was upset that she was passed over for principal, and Mariana shrugs it off. Tia is just now learning that Mariana is the adopted daughter of the assistant principal, and she reacts with awkward approval. Hayley does her best to make Mariana feel better. “I wish I was adopted. Parents are the worst.” That Hayley. Not exactly the sharpest bulb…wait…. The girls want to know more about Mariana’s birth parents, but Mariana tells them the adoption was closed and changes the subject by volunteering to speak with Lena about making more money for the team.

Time for the Mighty Quinn to take the dinghy boat to shore for some essentials. Jude has his life jacket on but decides to stay on the boat. He says he’s feeling a bit seasick. We watch the Mighty Quinn, Sophia and Callie ride off, leaving Mama Quinn and Jude behind. I’m pretty sure I feel an oar beating me over the head.

 

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

Mighty Quinn leaves the girls to chat at the dock as he goes to pick up whatever essentials he needs for their afternoon at sea. Sophia wonders what it would have been like if Callie’s mom and her dad had stayed together. Callie tells her that everything happens for a reason. If her dad would have stayed with her mom, there would be no Jude or no Sophia. Sophia thinks that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, and we wonder when we’re going to find Sophia splayed on the floor next to an empty bottle of pills.

A word about things happening for a reason. Feh! That’s my word. Things happen, and we deal. Most of the time, we deal pretty well. But because we don’t have faith in ourselves to meet and rise above challenges, we give fate all the credit.

Mariana has no faith that she could ever be as good as her teammates, which is why she’s on the phone with Lena begging her to bend the rules and allow the dance team to have a car wash to raise money. Of course Lena refuses to grant her daughter and her daughter’s team special privileges. She hangs up the phone in a huff and finds Mat there, at school on a Saturday for band practice. He asks how dance practice was and she launches into her story about possibly getting cut from the team if she can’t help them raise money. Mat wants to know what fund-raising has to do with her ability to dance, and Mariana tells him that she’s not as good as everyone else. He says try harder. She says she’ll never be as good as everyone else. He says not as long as you believe that. I say no, Mat. She really sucks. Well, Mariana does not like Mat getting “all up in her grill” and suggests that they not go out on Friday. Good thing she got him out of her grill so that when she cut off her nose to spite her face, it didn’t bleed all over him.

Lena is getting up in Stef’s grill and asking her why she’s acting like Mike is to blame for Brandon’s starring role in “Lolita.” Stef is still upset with Mike for ignoring all of Dani’s red flags. “He has terrible taste in women,” she says. “He married a lesbian.” Well, I’d say that he had pretty good taste in women, but those women just didn’t have the taste for him. Lena tells Stef that she’s being too hard on Mike. Stef is guilty of loving too hard and taking everyone’s failures personally. She tells her some more truths, but I have stopped listening because Oracle Lena’s voice is grating on my nerves.

Eventually Stef speaks with Mike and apologizes for being so hard on him. He says he wasn’t the best husband. She takes the blame for some of the problems in their marriage. Stef tells Mike that he shouldn’t blame Brandon for what happened with Dani. He made some bad decisions like drinking. Mike hopes that he hasn’t passed the love of the drink on to Brandon. And to prove her point about Dani being a rapist, she asks Mike what he would do if Mariana decided to have sex with a teacher. Mike says he’d lock him up. Now you get it, Mike. We knew you’d come around eventually.

Callie comes around eventually, too. While she initially thought she’d turn down Mighty Quinn’s offer to pay for college, she changes her mind. While she’s looking at old photos of her mother, Mighty Quinn tells her that her mom would have wanted her to go to college. He wants Callie to help him make her mother’s dreams come true. How can she say no?

How can Jesus say no to Hayley who has shown up at his door crying about her parents getting a divorce? Jesus will skip the team dinner to comfort Hayley, and Hayley won’t boil the bunny – yet. Turns out, Hayley has known about her parents divorce for months, according to Mariana. Let’s see how long it takes Jesus to put the cuckoo bird back in the clock.

Mike finds Brandon playing the keyboard in the garage. Brandon apologizes and wishes he could take it all back. Mike wants Brandon to be very careful with drinking. Mike echoes Stef’s words about Dani being the responsible adult who needs to deal with the consequences of her illegal actions. Dani’s going down – and not in a fun way.

Callie and Jude debrief. Jude admits that he hates having to share Callie but he thinks he can learn to deal. During Sophia’s debrief with her dad, she wishes that they could adopt Callie. Dad tells her that technically they wouldn’t have to adopt her, but she already has a family who loves her. Sophia thinks that if Callie knew them longer, she’d love them, too. The Mighty Quinn likes the cut of her jib.

During the final scenes of The Longest Episo…I mean Day, a few loose ends are tied. Mike looks on while cops take Dani away in a police car. Mike is probably wishing he could say a thing or two to her. I’m wishing I could say, “Watch yourself, Dani! You have no idea what’s in store for you in the pokey!”

PHOTO CREDIT: NETFLIX

PHOTO CREDIT: NETFLIX

In the last scene, Stef lies down next to Brandon and she kisses his forehead. All better. That didn’t take long, did it?

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

PHOTO CREDIT: THE FOSTERS

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