Culture / Entertainment

The Fosters: Girls Reunited

San Roque Have the Fosters relocated to Europe where everyone takes off in the month of August? In this episode, we will not see Lena, Jude, Mike, Dani or Ana, and I want to know where they are. It’s not so much that I am that vested in their personal lives, but I am more interested in the scented candle Jude bought at the county fair from the 4-H stand than I am about whatever is going on with the Fosters. Sorry. You can call it summer malaise or recap rut, but I just call it low tolerance for ABC Family. I’d like to know what the writers could do if The Fosters were on HBO. I think I’d like it better. There’d be lesbian heavy petting. This wholesome, easy-to-swallow we’re not so much as gay as we are two women heading the household junk coupled with the we’re all dealing with serious issues that are predictably sewn up over two episodes with a chain of clichés is chafing my soul.

But here’s the deal. The show is about queers who have kids, and we would be remiss not to at least tell you what happened in each episode. But I may stick to the highlights today because, well, if Lena, Jude, Mike, Dani, and Ana can fuck off, I can slap up a quick recap for you.

Live or memorexJude and Lena are on some sort of school camping trip. Lena and Stef Skype or FaceTime or Google Hangout or something, but it looks more like a video recording than a live conversation. Jude is having a great time and Lena appreciates being in nature. The mountains and the trees remind her about the circle of life and that nothing is permanent, not the mountains or the trees or pain. She didn’t seem to be suffering much pain last week, so it’s odd to hear her referencing her pain now. But it could be that playing counselor, facilitator, mother and referee during Brandon’s confession last week kept her mind off her loss.

By the way, Lena, I got something permanent for you. Kids. Kids are permanent. You can change careers, remove tattoos, and even surgically alter your appearance, but kids are your kids forever no matter what happens to you in your life. I believe that if more people could really comprehend the concept of parent-for-life, fewer people would have kids. I mean, they NEVER go away! I love my kids and all, but man they take up a lot of my time.

The episode is Girls Reunited because Callie decides to spend the weekend with the gang at Girls United to help out with Community Day. We spend much of this episode catching up with everyone and getting to know a new girl. Devani is an eye-rolling 16-year-old whose mom is a crack head, and she’s been busted for selling drugs, vandalism and stealing. She has major ‘tude, and we don’t like her.



Cole’s transfer request has been approved and he is a week away from relocating to a new LGBT home. He seems less than pleased, and when he steals a look at Devani upon hearing the news, we know something is up there. Or someone is up there, getting some, or something. Sure enough, we discover that Devani and Cole are loved up. According to Chiara, Devani may be gay for the stay, which is when straight girls go gay while they’re stuck in a house (or prison) with a bunch of girls. Callie corrects her, though, because Cole is a he, which means Devani is not gay for the stay or ever. We frown on inmates who are gay for the stay. Don’t we, Vee?



The truth is Devani is not into Cole at all, and she’s using Cole to get drugs. Cole is smitten, however, and plans to run away with Devani.

Becca was on a high, not literally of course, because she’ll be moving in with her mom. Mom finally took responsibility and apologized for dumping Becca with her druggie grandmother when Mom couldn’t deal with her boyfriends interfering with Becca.

Chiara’s foster family fell through. I’m not sure what they fell through – a sink hole maybe? That happens a lot these days. Well whatever it was, Chiara is cranky and taking it out on Callie. Eventually, the two ladies come back together to kick Devani out of the house once she calls Cole a freak and confesses that she was just trying to get out of the house to meet her real boyfriend in Bakersfield.

All of the Girls United drama is coated with neighborly We Hate You And We Want You To Leave drama. Steven is the neighbor trying to rally support for the home’s closure. The lease is coming up, and if he can convince the landlord not to renew, he’ll be rid of the delinquents.

Community Day started out ok even though Steven had already poisoned the neighbors with talk of the gang banging and drive-by shootings the house would bring to the neighborhood. Rita and Callie talked to guests over tea and all seemed to be going swimmingly – until Becca’s mom gives her the great news that she has met a guy. Becca knows what that means, and it’s not good.

Outside the house there are multiple gunshot sounds, which turn out to be firecrackers, and everyone screams and quakes and wonders if maybe these hoodlums should get out of Dodge after all.

Meanwhile, Stef is trying to play Mother Knows Best while Lena is away, but it’s not going very well. Everyone knows by now that Lena is the voice of reason and compassion and Stef is …well… not. She talks to Jesus about having the sex with Hayley. Use condoms. Be respectful. Not like how you were with Emma. Don’t have sex before you’re ready. Uh, too late for that one. Thinking Jesus is hearing Charlie Brown Teacher Voice. Whah whah…whah whah…whah whah.

Stef delivers laundry to Brandon who is on his bed with headphones on listening to loud music with his shirt buttoned up to his Adam’s apple. What are you up to? Have you talked to your dad? You know he doesn’t blame you for what happened with Dani. Maybe you should see a therapist. Whah whah…whah whah…whah whah.



Stef tells Lena that Ana wrote them a letter. Ana wants to see the twins and make amends. Stef called Mike and told him that she’s not coming near their kids ever again. For the first time in series history, Lena and Stef are on the same page.

Mariana and Hayley are hosting dinner for their gentlemen callers. Apparently Hayley learned how to cook from her mother who graduated from what Mariana understood as the Gordon Blue. Mariana was also not familiar with Vichyssoise soup. Hayley and Mat find her limited palette to be so very quaint. I find her choice of soup to be pretentious. They never get past the soup, so I can’t speak to the rest of Hayley’s menu.

Jesus makes a comment about their mother only knowing how to cook crack. While most friends and lovers would take that opportunity to show some sort of sympathy, Hayley focuses on the fact that Mariana had lied to her about not knowing her birth mother.

Hayley: I can’t believe you lied to me!

Mariana: Like you lied about your parents getting divorced?

Hayley: They are getting divorced.

Mariana: And you’ve known about it for months.

Jesus: Mariana!

Mariana: You made it seem like you just found out so Jesus would miss his team dinner.

Hayley: That’s not true. I was upset.

Mariana: Yeah, that Emma was going to be there.

Hayley storms off, and Jesus runs after her because he is indeed pussy whipped. Mariana apologizes to Mat who then proceeds to share that his dad took off when he was six. He doesn’t tell a lot of people because it’s not anyone else’s business. Well, those are “come hither” words if ever I heard them.



Lou has dropped by to give Brandon a record album. Stef sends her upstairs to deal with Moping Mopey-Pants. She talks a good game about stupid love songs, but Brandon sees that she is a romantic at heart. Lou goes in for the kiss, but when the music stops playing, Brandon jumps up to deal with the record and leaves her hanging. Anyone who requires a soundtrack for kissing and Greg Brady beads needs a little therapy.





Hayley and Jesus are sitting on the porch swing, and Hayley admits that she was a little jealous. She loves that Jesus makes her feel safe and that he takes care of her and wants them to have a special date tomorrow. Jesus says he has to study, but Hayley makes puppy dog eyes, and Jesus decides to study another night. Stef has a word with him after Hayley leaves. You’re being manipulated. I don’t want you sacrificing things that are important to you to take care of a girl. Whah whah…whah whah…whah whah. Too bad Lena’s not home to talk some sense into him.

We end at the Girls United House. Callie now realizes that she chose to spend the weekend so that she could talk to Chiara about how long it took her to sleep with men after she was raped. Chiara has no good answer for her except for the part about seeking therapy. Seems to be a theme.

That night, Becca slips away to the basement to smoke meth that she stole from Devani. Becca passes out and something catches fire. By the time everyone realizes what’s going on, smoke is everywhere and there are flames eating away at the basement. Rita goes downstairs to save Becca, and Callie shows up to help. Rita and Becca pull Becca out of the burning house.



Rita chastises Callie for playing the hero but then tells her that she’s a success story and that she’s going to be ok and to never quit. Callie asks what will happen to Girls United, but Rita can only shrug. Perhaps Callie will convince the Quinns to invest in a halfway house for girls. In the meantime, the girls (and boy) have to head back to juvie until they can find foster homes.

Stef arrives at the scene, grabs hold of Callie and takes her home. She has no words of wisdom – which is a good thing. She says it best when she says nothing at all.

Episode takeaways: Therapy good. Crystal meth bad. Kissing good if kisser is not a wackadoodle. Vacations good because…everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other.

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