Life / Sex & relationships

Forgive and forget

Kostrzyn nad Odrą nosy-neighbor

Shakhty As I mentioned before, I’m getting married in a few days (this weekend, actually!) and I’ve been thinking quite a lot. I’ve never dreamt of a wedding and I don’t think of it as a magical day and I don’t have certain expectations. I’ve been going with the flow and enjoying the good vibes we’ve been getting from our loved ones. Besides having ridiculous debates in my head about wearing high heels or not (it feels somewhat like treason) and other shallow matters, I can’t help thinking about the changes in people’s attitudes towards us.

Around three years ago, when we were just dating, I would go and visit Luján at her apartment. She had this annoying hateful neighbor that despised us. He would say hi to Luján’s sister and to her mom (when she visited) but not to her or to me. He used to say nasty stuff about me, and he was angry because I had a key to the place (and who knows where I could’ve taken that key!).

I would greet him with a smile nonetheless, but he would look the other way. One day he sent his wife to tell us not to kiss each other goodbye at the front door; that they knew it was “normal now,” but people kept talking behind our backs and it was not “necessary” for the whole neighborhood to see us together like that; we could “say goodbye” inside the apartment.

We ran into this guy a couple of days ago and he was waving cheerfully like we were some old friends of his … Should we wave back?

Here’s the thing. We are supposed to be patient with family and friends when coming out, I know. I’ve dealt with with the hurtful things I heard from some people in my closer circle; all is forgiven, we are good … but what about the rest of the humans: neighbors, classmates, co-workers, etc.?  Some people have not been very nice. Perhaps it was acceptable (whatever that means) to act that way back when it happened and it’s not politically correct for them to do so now.  I have forgiven most of these things, but not everything is forgotten.

I guess this time we  just have to smile and say “Hi” to this neighbor. I’m not sure I’d do the same if I came across some old classmates who used to harass me. This is selective forgiveness, I’m afraid …  but who cares? This week we are celebrating our love and how awesome our families and friends are. So party mode: activated! Next month: pictures!




  1. Hello! New reader here 🙂 This is such an interesting question, and one I struggle with at times…if someone treats us with prejudice, then…gets over it, for lack of a better term, do WE have to get over it too? I really don’t think so, but I think it’s ultimately better for us to not hold or carry all of those past hurts forever, as then we are the only one’s suffering in the end, and for what? Better “revenge” is to live happily and freely, I think. Congratulations on your wedding and new marriage!!

  2. Welcome to VQ, Edie! And thanks! I agree. Forgive (sort of… sometimes… haha!) but never forget… I like to think our society keeps evolving and some bigots change their minds (or act like they do just to adapt). This question keeps coming up and not only on a personal level… Like with the Pope, I really don’t like the guy, he said really awful things (like “homosexuals are tools the devil uses to bring down god’s plan”) and organized the biggest opposition to same-sex marriage in Argentina (some catholic schools even forced kids to go to anti-same-sex marriage public demonstrations) and now he’s all “don’t judge the gays”… what to do? Take advantage, I guess… be cool…but never ever forget =/

    • Sometimes, the change feels so political. As in, people are doing it for political reasons and not the real reasons. Sometimes people do have epiphanies. When I see that, I do try and forgive and even forgot. However, if I don’t trust the person’s motive or see real change inside, I don’t want to forget.

      Thank you for sharing this.

      So excited for next month’s wedding photos!!!!

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