Culture / Entertainment

Which Disney Princess Would You Do?

Ever play the game Ginger vs. Mary Ann, where you have to choose which Gilligan’s Island character you’d rather get with? That was never an easy call for me. I dug Ginger’s whole insatiable nympho thing, but she lacked in the substance area. Mary Ann seemed like a solid person, but those pigtails? Um, no.

Recently, I found myself playing a similar game, but with Disney Princesses. An illuminating exercise, once you get past the icky fact that they’re all jailbait. I mean, sure, they’re beautiful. They have great hair. They can belt out a tune. But are these gals relationship material? Herewith, a rating of the Disney bachelorettes, in order of appeal.

Worst mother-in-law. Ever.
PHOTO CREDIT: DISNEY

Snow White: In the plus column, she can cook, clean, loves animals and seems to be eternally grateful if you just put her on the floor and give her a scrub-brush. But she’s practically albino and could potentially scar on beach vacations. Also, when your hypercompetitive mommy dearest sends a huntsman out to kill you and slice out your heart, you’re good for about three decades in therapy. Plus, after all that time with the dwarves, I think I would always be insecure about height. What if she prefers little people? At 5’1”, am I small enough to satisfy her? She’s also used to shacking up with seven guys. There just aren’t enough toys in the chest. Verdict: Too many mommy/little people issues.

Cinderella: That whole fairy-godmother-pumpkin-carriage-mice-footmen-glass-slipper thing sounds suspiciously like a psychotic delusion brought on by childhood trauma. Verdict: A few glass slippers shy of the shoerack.

Aurora (a.k.a., Sleeping Beauty): Way too narcoleptic to be any fun on vacation. Or in bed. Verdict: A snoozer.

Ariel: Definitely cute, and she has an admirable wanderlust. But that whole species-hopping thing freaks me out. What happens down the line when she spies a golden-cheeked warbler and decides she wants to be a part of his world? She’ll trade my soul to the Sea Witch for a pair of wings and I’ll wind up one of those mutant ocean weeds at the bottom of the sea. Verdict: Commitment-phobe.

Pocahontas: Noble, free-spirited, lovely. But while her name allegedly means “the naughty one,” I found her to be, frankly, boring as hell. Verdict: Yawn.

Merida: A princess with principles. Or at least one principle I can identify with: I will not marry some guy just to make my family, and/or the whole kingdom, happy. Also, Merida’s prowess with a bow and arrow calls to mind Jennifer Lawrence in the Hunger Games, a selling point that cannot be overstated. On the downside, she shows absolutely no remorse when she serves mom up some witch’s pie that turns her into a big, hairy, mute bear in a land where bears are the most hated creatures on earth. I don’t think I could get down with that. Every time she cooked me dinner, I’d be worrying about whether she was still pissed I didn’t take out the garbage. Verdict: No crazy redheads, please.

Rapunzel: She seems lovely. Really. But I can’t get past the hair. How could we ever go on a bike ride? Or two-step? How would we even get out of the house when she has to spend most of the day blow-drying? Verdict: Too much on top.

Ice me, baby.

Ice me, baby.
PHOTO CREDIT: DISNEY

Anna: Great on paper. Unlike her brooding, haunted sister, Anna is an eternal optimist. She’s also tenacious, loving and willing to lay down her life for her blood. And yet…Elsa. That whole brooding, haunted thing. And the power, the ice-throwing, the sauntering around her crystal palace with her hair flowing free—it’s hot, people. Verdict: Why go for the princess if you can have the queen?

Jasmine: Love the black hair and sultry brown eyes and the fact that she always wears flats. But who is she, really? What are her interests besides riding that carpet? Given the conflict in the Middle East, would the Sultan be okay with a Jewish daughter-in-law? Verdict: Good for one-nighter on a flying bearskin rug.

Mulan: Ya gotta love a story about a princess in drag. This Asian Yentl’s got courage, chutzpah and refuses to take orders from any man. Unfortunately, I’d be competing with Li Shang, the warrior who, after leaving Mulan alone to die on a frigid mountainside, decided he was into her. I’m good at lots of stuff, but 12th century weaponry is not one of them. Plus, he’s got about three feet on me. Verdict: In the running, but may need a hit man.

Belle: Beautiful, good-hearted, intelligent, and, like myself, has felt alienated by her own superiority. Plus, knowing she found the Beast attractive will be enormously comforting on my bad hair days. On the downside, Belle seems to be attracted to intense, moody, disturbed people. Or maybe that’s another good thing. Verdict: Worth a twirl around the ballroom.

What's not to love?

What’s not to love?
PHOTO CREDIT: DISNEY

Tiana: Now, we’re talking. Smart, beautiful, entrepreneurial and she knows how to make beignets. She also proved she knows how to make the best of a crappy situation with that whole now-I’m-a-frog thing. The only red flag is her potential workaholism, but as long as she’s bringing home those yummy treats at night, I’ll find a way to cope. Verdict: She can sing “I’m Almost There” to me any time.

What’s your verdict? Which princess would you choose and why? Tell us in the comments below.

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2 Comments

  1. I bet you give good online product reviews. My personal favorite, though, is PokeMyHotness. Sometimes, you have to dig deeper to find the “naughty one” inside. I don’t mind going deeper.

  2. I CAN SING LET IT GO LIKE ELSA. I AM MORE LIKE ELSA.

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