7 Things I Destroyed This Week in Honor of the Destruction of Marriage Inequality

This week in political buffoonery, Republican presidential hopefuls Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum signed  a pledge that describes LGBT parents as “unconscionable and destructive” and aligned themselves with a Texas pastor who threatened to set himself on fire if the Supreme Court rules in favor of marriage equality. Has anyone sent him a match??

This news inspired me to:

Watch Disco Inferno on YouTube…

Replace “Homosexuals” with “Republicans” while watching Lucille Bluth in Arrested Development…

…come up with a list of the destructive things I’ve done this week.

So, I present to you the Seven Things I’ve Destroyed This Week in honor of destroying marriage inequality:

1. My skin

I spent last Saturday and Sunday on the sidelines at my kids’ soccer tournament. I watched six games in two days and despite the fact that I was sitting in direct sun the entire time and exclaiming things like “Oh my god! I feel like I’m on the surface of the sun!” and “I feel like am roasting!”–it never occurred to me to apply sunscreen. Now my burn and freckles and sun spots have joined forces to create the most epic farmer’s “tan” ever.

2. Some weird weeds

I am a beast when it comes to weeds! Weeds, not weed. I haven’t been a beast with weed since my senior year in college when I spent an entire evening in a convenience store pondering a microwave burrito. But I digress. This week, I finally grabbed those tall weeds growing from last year’s empty flower pots and throttled them. They choked and gasped as I ripped them from their homes and then I threw them behind the hostas because I am a horrible gardener and also because I was too lazy to go to the garage and get one of those brown paper lawn bags we’re all supposed to use now.

3. Season 3 of Orange Is The New Black

Thirteen episodes of OITNB were no match for me. I ate up every episode of this show chock full of lady lovers and dyke jokes and tattoos and hooch. Done in four days. BOOM. Trust no bitch.

4. A Diet Coke and a pair of khaki shorts

My daughter yelled into the living room, “Who put a Diet Coke in the freezer and forgot it?” That would be me. I took it out to let it thaw and while it was still slushy, I though I would drink it and I opened it and it sprayed everywhere–all over the kitchen floor and the refrigerator and the sink and the cabinets and all over my brand new khaki shorts. Wrecked it all! I am the Soda Pop Godzilla!

5. My reputation

I wore plaid board shorts to Target to pick up my son’s prescription. This particular pair of board shorts are comfy which is why they are my Inside Shorts or Cabin Shorts or Ain’t Nobody Going To See Me Today Shorts. They are not Going Out In Public Shorts. But I wore them out in public and destroyed my reputation as a person with standards and style.

6. My sense of smell

My love for my daughter is so deep that I took her to the Mall of America and went with her to Bath and Body Works where she tried every single body spray the store had to offer. For those unfamiliar with this store and math, I mean that she sprayed approximately 58 types of body spray on or around her person. I have now lost my sense of smell and would make the world’s worst human bloodhound…unless I was assigned to track Peach Bellini or Brazilian Blue Waters.

7. An entire container of hummus

That container of hummus was no match for me. I ate it with tortilla chips and pita bread and, at one particularly low moment, my own bare hands. It was a blur of crumbs and garbanzo beans and fingers. But don’t worry, no lesbian stereotypes were harmed during this particular reign of terror.

So, I am left to wonder–are conservatives right? Am I, as a married lesbian and mother of two, destructive? The institution of marriage and the American family are probably safe. Everything else might be at risk.

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In all seriousness, we here at VillageQ are overwhelmed with the step our country has taken today towards equality. I want to close with Justice Anthony Kennedy’s beautiful closing opinion regarding the ruling extending equal rights to all loving couples in the United States.

North Providence “No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than they once were. As some of these petitioners in these case demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.

Avenal The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.

It is so ordered.”