Sex & relationships

Confession

I often have a hard time coming up with topics to write about here on LesFam not for a lack of things, well, to write about, but because I feel so uncertain that anything I have to say is unique to the lesbian parenting experience.

The secret to our happy marriage – separate blankets

While debating what to write about today (not why this is so late today; that is thanks to the dear child now sleeping the sleep of the benadryl’d and antibiotics’d in the room down the hall), I said to J that, really, the only thing that makes our family different is what we do in bed.*

“So write about that!” she helpfully added.

I will say that, contrary to not only rumors, but what we’ve seen among so many others in the community, we have been fortunate not to succumb to the dreaded “bed death.” (Maybe because I’m bisexual, is my always ever-so-helpful contribution to that conversation.) But seriously. I am grateful for my relationship with J, and for the fact that we both need – and are able to – connect with each other physically, as well as emotionally.

I won’t deny that there was concern on both parts when considering parenting about what it would mean for our sex lives. And while it wasn’t an issue while I was pregnant, I won’t deny that it was a rough transition. Between physical changes and hormonal changes, not to mention sheer exhaustion from the act of learning to parent, there were many obstacles to navigate. I think it may be even more difficult now that she’s a toddler-on-the-cusp-of-preschooler, as we are both even more exhausted, both physically and emotionally, than when she was a newborn, and there’s the added benefit of wondering, ‘will today be the day she wanders out of her room after nap?’

But persevere we have, and I hope we’ll continue to do for a long while.

There is no secret to what it is we do, and how we keep it alive. It’s all rather boring, really. There’s a lot of talking. A LOT OF TALKING. And we’ve been fortunate, as well, to – for the most part – have frequent enough periods where we are in good health and not TOO exhausted that we can take the opportunity to keep the spark alive. (We won’t talk about the bleak period earlier this year when – well, no. We won’t talk about it.) And did I mention there’s a lot of talking?

I suppose I ought to clarify clarify – that’s talking about sex, while we’re not having sex.

Keeping the lines of communication open. Talking about our needs in the bedroom, in addition to our needs emotionally, mentally, professionally, etc. Recognizing changes in ourselves in each other in regards to desires and interests. Openness and willing to listen to each other, and try new things.

See? It really is all rather boring.

But I’ll take it. And hopefully at least another 8.5 years of it. And many more than that.

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What do you do to help keep things going in the bedroom?

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(J is behind my shoulder laughing at my sex post that doesn’t actually talk about sex. And she says I should tell the world she thinks I’m hot, and that helps keep things alive. My wife, ladies.)

*well, okay, and taxes and legal liabilities/responsibilities. But that’s nowhere near as fun.

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  1. Living, working and playing out in suburbia amongst my straight friends, it became clear quickly that even bed death is not exclusive to lesbians. Parents across the land struggle to keep at it in the bedroom in the face of exhaustion and the weight of responsibilities and tamed passion after years of togetherness. All I can say is keep up the good work! Perhaps all couples of all identities can learn from your example. It’d be a happier world if we were all getting some, I suspect.

  2. I wish I had bright answers to your question. Aherm. Access to someplace (anyplace!) where the kids are sure not to barge in seems to be key for Mrs Dad and me. I’ll say that. It’s amazing the psychic hold their presence, even their potential, possible, if they awake with a nightmare presence can have on one.

    I will now pivot ungracefully to the Moms in Babeland blog, which may offer some further insight. It’s currently in hibernation, but there’s a goodly amount there, written by a quartet of folks from Babeland, the feminist sex toy shop. All are parents, and Rachel, Babeland co-founder, is a lesbian mum, FWIW. Also #73 of Sugarbutch’s 100 Hot Butches, and no, this never bothers me when she and her family come over for Sunday brunch, never bothers me one little itty bit, that’s why I so rarely mention it.

    • Not one tiny bit – I can tell! 😉

      That psychic hold really is a killer. We turn off the monitor (we do still have one; the girl’s a bit of a daredevil, so it’s for the best, really), and some time soon I suspect we’ll have to start locking the door.

      I suspect it’ll be a long group of years between this honeymoon phase where she (mostly) stays in her room, and the time that Julia mentions below, when she’ll mostly keep to herself.

      We’re actually doing really well at keeping things alive right now, but I figure the more we (as a community) can talk about it, the more we (as a community, though not ALL TOGETHER as a community) can be having that nookie.

    • I love it when you crack me up, Polly. That’s why I so rarely mention it.

  3. Yeah, the straight couples experience the same thins. But you hit it when you said, ” that’s talking about sex, while we’re not having sex.”

    I should also mention that now that we have a teenager (oy) and a preteen (double oy) it’s a lot easier to focus on the bedroom action.

    • I look forward to that time! And sort of dread the upcoming time when she’ll have outgrown the (nearly outgrown as it is) phase of staying in her room and keeping to herself.

      But yes. And I do think that, much as popular media and romance books train us-in-general to expect easy happily-ever-afters in our real life and not just in our love stories (which is, imo, a large part of why so many relationships fail so quickly, when they do fail. among other reasons, of course, but), so much that’s out there for consumption regarding more sexual topics similarly presents a world where things come easily, and nothing needs to be talked about. Which is silly when you think about the idea that, the more you know about a person and what pleases them, the better equipped you are to please them.

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