Identity / Life

5 Things Queer Women Can Expect at Straight Conferences

Have you ever had a friend who’s like, “I have a free ticket to this thing, and you should totally go!” and you’re all “I was going to spend the night studying the Girl Scout manual on knots tonight cause there is knot anything else I’d rather do, but, a free thing is good, too.” So, you take the ticket and you go to the thing and then you find yourself in a sea of people and you have an epiphany: I am the only queer person in this vast sea watching The Dave Matthews Band right now.

That’s what it’s like when a queer girl is surrounded by sweater sets at a social media conference. We have been in that situation time after time, and girls just want to have fun, so to prepare you, we present the five things that queer women can expect at straight conferences.

1. Someone will use the phrase “gal pals” without irony–dismissing our relationships and minimizing our lady-love in one fell swoop, thank you very much.

2. The straight women will dance with the lesbians like we’re all in the Litchfield yard. And if you’re butch, you’ll get all the bitches.

3. At least nine women will tell you about that “one time in college.”

4. You will have several conversations in which women will confess to you that they could be lesbians but they can’t get with the vag.

Hey girl, can you get with my pussy?

Hey girl, can you get with my pussy?

5. They will have a lot of questions about the nature of your relationship with your queer BFF.

Exhibit A. “Are you together? You make a cute couple.”

Exhibit B. “OHMYGOD, how do your girlfr…I mean partners…I mean wives feel about you two sharing a hotel room?!?” because all lesbians want to fist all women. #FisterSisters

speakeasyDV

The moral of the story is, you can show your true colors, but don’t be surprised when everyone else does, too.

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8 Comments

  1. Or, to point #4, you could hear someone saying that she actually, uh, really COULD get down with it, and is that weird? That’s weird, right? And you’ll be all no, no it’s not.

  2. Tell the truth. Did you write this post just to get to post the photo under #5?

  3. Recruit, recruit, recruit!

  4. You forgot to mention some … uh … perks.

  5. Robert Shaffron says:

    Congratulations on managing to slip both “vag” AND “pussy” in this document. U rock.

  6. Ok, this was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. And yes.. To all of the points. Yes, Yes, Yes.

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